Friday, January 27, 2012


I didn't see the Northern Lights, earlier this week, did you?
I did see the moon and... a planet. Was it Venus.
Anyway they were gorgeous last night. I think i love the moon most when it's a thin crescent.

So what is Love anyway, i like to talk about that.
I love my son, i know that.
When he broke his helmet over Christmas, don't ask, you can imagine how. I love him, darkly, worrying, wondering..
When last weekend he gets bronze in an Alberta snowboardercross competition. I love him; dancing, proudly, happy. (do ask :)
I do love him no matter what.

Friday, January 20, 2012

still 40 below

And i love it, i just love it :)
Maybe you think, how can you love something like that?
But if not extreme weather, i am sure you have your questionable kinks too.
Let me know!

But before i start rambling, i want to say i am sorry to a friend; I am sorry to use you as an example and worse, here, black on white.

And it wasn't only you, in the last two days i came across other people, who mentioned, that bad things are going to happen.

Actually i am flabbergasted, because all those people, i see as beautiful souls, in touch with themselves, kind, loving, whatever good you can imagine. And they are spiritual people.

Now i have also learned with my husband, a 20 year lesson which really i am still working on. That he often expresses the dark side.. While he is happily tinkering with cars, and after will say, who says i am not happy. he will never say he is happy. But one can see he is happy tinkering with cars. But! if you would listen what come out of his mouth, you would have thought hell froze over. ( i added a picture of our beautiful frozen Kusawa lake)

So when people say, it is going to be bad, i should take it with a grain of salt.

Even when there is a certain square in the sky (astrology) even when that causes tension. Couldn't that be brilliant? Couldn't that open up so much? With things changing in the world, couldn't it be that through it all and after the fact, we sit back. And say; My oh my isn't this fantastic, who could have ever imagined that, what unexpected joy. Or like my husband: "who said i didn't like it?"

I more and more believe these are beautiful times, were i realize i am always abundantly looked after. I am Gloriously 'I AM' now and forever.

And to go back to the weather, that doesn't mean that my fingers don't freeze till they hurt, snot isn't running from my nose freezing instantly and my glasses aren't fogged up. What do i know i don't see a thing.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

-40 below

the air is still
the cold prickles on my cheeks
an orange sunset in the south
back inside my fingers red and tingling
the wood is burning hot
music plays
the food smells good!

Most of us know, believe, we live well beyond our means, the earth can not sustain us any longer as it is.
But is that so?
Maybe all we need is trust again?
Trust that we always will be.

I like to say lets be more loving, lets live a little slower, enjoy the more mundane.
But is that so?

I do know that i create the little things, that when i am grateful for what it is, it will sustain. When i give my power to fear or hatred, that is what i meet.
I have lived this way of positivity for years, i know it works yet still i don't get it totally right.

The bigger picture?
Like why i am here?
Who is this woman living warmly in the cold.
How did i end up where i am?
How did you?
yes i know we made our choices
But is that really so?
and i also know that this life is just a dream
A dream so solid i cannot walk away
I am here, i am this
no pinching will bring me to reality

Do you ever have a lucid dream at night? where you know you're dreaming and you can make it everything you like.

Maybe that's how i will live from here,
no more worrying,
just trust,
that we all are exactly were we want to be.

And so the world remains in tact,
it cannot do another thing,

There are just too many beautiful people thinking positive. You and you and them!

and i smile :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Celebrating our bodies, (and our society)
I am always struck by the fact that we really can't be. When you think logically, we cannot exist. The infinity of the Universe and all. And to think we are 90% water, water of all things, water freezes, water evaporates, water leaks out etc, water is not very stable or solid. Yet miraculous we are all contained in our skins, and it all function pretty amazingly. And then the fact that we are mere energy, cells that are mainly nothing, just space. (Christopher, i am sure you can explain that one better)

So our society, at least the one i live in, also functions miraculously well when you think of it. I often realize, when it wasn't for rich people i couldn't live the way i live, most material items in my live, were discarded by others, even our house is built with a lot of salvaged material. And the roads are kept in good condition because, well i don't know how it all works, but the little taxes i pay, i know it isn't me paying for it. Health care, how often have i been at emergency for free, with Alexander. (At least he is giving back now, training to become a paramedic)

Still..... you know the spiel...
It seems to lead to our own destruction, but maybe not.

Maybe we should all leave it be, and when our health breaks down, or we loose our job.

Lets celebrate it!

To me, when you have a job, when you are part of society as it is, you ultimately support the very rich. You know the occupy Wall street movement (which i find ironic for reasons, because i with all Canadians am the 1% richest of the world) Anyway they say there is one percent here in Canada that is getting richer and richer.
Well pardon me, we are supporting them....... So be happy when you don't have a job, at least you are not supporting something you resent.
And hey again with health it is a little trickier, i cannot say i won't go to the doctor, when i break a leg.

And recently i did go to the doctor... i 'll tell you later
But as soon as i do, i support the pharmaceutical industry.

My ramblings ramble a lot, but i have been wanting to write about such things for a long time, please bear with me, and don't hesitate to disagree, or preferably add how you see it, hopefully more clearer than i do.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


the long an lonesome path

sub sub title
do we create our own prison

I know i am very blessed in certain ways, like being healthy.
And i find it hard to relate to people who suffer in that way, in the sense that i have it so good, so anything i say doesn't apply to them, because they are suffering and i am not.
Like what does it mean when i talk about; living simpler, enjoying the moment etc. when you are suffering because you just... suffer of something.

Don't mind me, i get caught in the suffering. And just an hour ago, i felt totally bogged down, blamed it on the situation i am in, my own situation, created by my own self.

Now i do meditate, i practice Reiki, have read a lot of self help books and believe in my higher spirit.
Still i do have bad days, and maybe more than others. so if you have any tips for me let me know :)
But what is it, that i live in abundance with little money, have a healthy body, and am well loved.

Is it just luck? It appears to be a lot of luck.

But maybe i did get something out of those self help books.

I celebrate the good stuff and the bad stuff :)
I try to be aware when good things happen, and let that sink in, truly feel the joy of it. And i use that feeling, that now is a conscience memory, when i worry or when i feel bad. Celebrate i could also call it be deeply gratefull.

Now the bad stuff;
Like it took me half the morning till i realized that something in my life is causing me heartache. Finally i said to myself, i don't like this. that's half the battle, some where over the course of the next hour, i realize that the situation is not to blame, because by being aware sometimes in my life i have realized i can feel bad even when things are good. I flop on the bed, and talk to me self sternly, "jozien, this feeling has nothing to do with circumstances, life is a flow of light and dark, and weren't you thinking about writing how you celebrate the dark. Yes, yes, what do you have to say for yourself now?"

And suddenly it some how clicks in, i lay there loving (celebrating) my misfortunes.

Then i somehow forget about everything, and find my self outside again, i tried before, because the outdoors always works as a great healer for me ( i write about that next :P. But earlier i couldn't really get into it happily, and now it works!

and and and! i am celebrating right now! because right now a small miracle happened!
My husband loves me, he just told me so, he thought i was social networking and he says he loves me spending time on fet (my personal facebook). Because well my distress was partly about, that he resents me being on the computer so much.

Happy blogging to you too
thank you for reading

And i love to know what you think... bad or good :)
And what works for you? i do think we all have our own unique ways of being.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

On longing

I used to long to be in the mountains, i can clearly feel the feeling of euphoria of being in the mountains, being on the top. Arriving at the destination.

I knew my longing was in a sense as materialistic as people longing for a certain pair of shoes, or a car.

I have a lot of longing...

I like to long, i like to lay there dreaming of the day... i meet you....

And as my desire to be on top of mountains, it somehow subsided for another longing.

Longing can hurt....

I love my high heeled black leather boots. I know i had a longing as a child to walk in high heels. I remember the feeling of my arch arching,in my mother's. I was five years old. I forgot about that longing for many years.

I know that as a society, we live in abundance, we somehow know now, that has brought us happiness. I do believe we finally see, that it doesn't matter so much any longer. We had our cake and ate it too. Our longing now for a deeper happiness, longer lasting than that being on top of mountains or high heels give.

I stop here, because this subject is somehow very difficult for me, you have no idea , how much i rewrote and erased again.

Living in the moment...

I was in Nirvana lately... and am totally okay for now, but the longing stronger...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

frost flowers

Do not ever believe me...
For a few years now, i see in a lot of things the total opposite, which is nothing new. yin yang.
Even when i do not see the opposite, i know it is there, i might not be aware of it.
When i look out at the stars, who are as far removed from me as possibly can be, someone knows i am talking sex, (which honestly i did not do on purpose). Our bodies the closest thing to us.
Stars are good, sex is good and everything in between. Yet i struggle in ways unknown. I am healthy, warm and well fed, i feel tired, often i feel tired, yet i am known to have this boundless energy. I am energy.

Looking out into the world, looking in at my dreams (sleeptime), to me, for now, it is an answer to my troubles.
I dreamed last night i was naked,kind of lonely and at loss in a beautiful surrounding, a creek and big trees. And i saw, and the child playing in the creek, we saw a flying fish. Black with pure white fins. It jumped out of the creek and flew to the ocean in the distance.
Awake i thought it a beautiful thing; how the fish could fly, don't we all want to fly, but the fish was a fish, at ease in the water were it chooses to be.....

Anyway, i have no idea what i am trying to say.
Yesterday i chatted online with a soldier, at one point he said the word, 'war'. That little word it cut me so deep, i wanted to rip it out. We can talk about war, how sad, why, etc. etc. But it is there in all of us.

Ahhhh lets just have sex and forget it about it all. Preferably under the night sky looking at the stars.

I tell you it is cheap, it doesn't cost a thing. And really intrinsically no one not a thing is hurt by it.

Is it all clear now? Morning again, do you see the blue sky through flowers of frost, that grew overnight?

And tomorrow i will write about communication, because somehow that got lost in here.

Monday, January 2, 2012

i just wanted to say

I like to say so much but...

Venus is skipping the horizon
Jupiter dancing around the moon
soft white clouds in a soft black sky