Sunday, February 26, 2012

a glimpse

haha, a glimpse, i wish i could say, it was of that black cougar or that black wolf. No i still didn't see those.
As i live on south facing slope, it's not very often i get to see the mountains to the north, when i am in walking distance of my home. Is north a metaphor for dark, is dark a metaphor for negative? What are my fears? I am always attracted to the north, i am not scared in the dark.
You know all that positive thinking stuff, made me scared of thinking negative. I use it to go to when i have to let go of things. I do go there, because i know to be in touch with my fears, i will overcome them. Why this longing for things to be right, even when we know the sun cannot always shine. Life is this rhythm. We wake, we sleep. Our heartbeat.
I wish i was light, even this, writing this, it scares me. I feel i should.... i should be counting sheep (Christopher i love your light-hearted post)

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Alexander is back in Medicine Hat, where he lives,
and he is recovering. Thankfully so.
I just don't know what more to write... it's hard to be a long distance mom

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Gallery 22

- Second annual Melting Ice; an erotic thawing of the winter blues-

5 o'clock at gallery 22 , behind Hougens
5pm to 8pm February 23 2012

I'll be there, with some of my work

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

and to the west

(thanks Rob for that word:)
and for all people who feel....
like this

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I am sitting here waiting
for a phonecall from Calgary. Alexander is in the hospital.
With a bad concussion

so before all that, i did walk up the hill at Stony Creek again.
The light was very flat, the prints already dusted over with snow.
Still i didn't take all the right measurements.
Any way the matches booklet is exactly two inches long, which seems to make the track 5 by 5 inches.
The print seems to have three lobes as Meandering Michael suggested.
The other photo. The animal tracks on the right, mine on the left, my boots are 5 inches wide and 10 inches long.
So it could have been a cougar.
A lynx track is similar, but all i can think, when it was a lynx, it was very big one.

Let me know what you think.

And can you pray for Alexander... thank you

Saturday, February 18, 2012


this one to the east
in every direction i have someone watching over me
quietly, strong, unfaltering

words are only words
whatever i write here
is black and white
I am gloriously happy
just not quite
Can one life in a state of constant bliss
i remember i remember, for a week i was there once
for years i lived in bliss
now i try to catch moments, that are not totally there
but it's just, i am maybe too aware
that life is what it is
yet my guards watch over me unfailingly

Yes my dear dear friend, who triggered this
i can imagine a life where everything is good
because i have this one and single thing

I as materialistic as anyone can be
when i would lay in the arms of a true love
that truly is my truelove
and i am his

Oh my how blessed are people who have found that
that's just not me
not yet
and maybe never

I smile in every wind direction
i know i live like that

Friday, February 17, 2012

wolf tracks

these are wolf tracks, taken a few weeks ago at an obvious wolf site

wolf or cougar

long strides
does the wolf spread his paws to stay on top of the frozen snow
or does the cougar shows his claws to have grip on the icy snow

size is hard to see without reference, but i tell you they were big!

a man in my forest

I have this man in my forest, i greet him every single day, he watches out for me.

It is good to have a tree like that, a tree that does that for me. Like all trees have meaning for me. I talked about it before, when i am not out there to listen, when my ears don't receive the vibration of the wind blowing through the trees, is there sound?
So to when i do not look at 'him' would he be there?

I wonder if in our society, the responsibility to see and hear is taken away.
As i write someone is probably working on to make yet another law to protect us, me.
All with very good intention. But i wonder if it totally takes our own responsibility away. Yesterday i heard Mars (the chocolate mars bar) is joining forces to stop obesity, they will eliminate their extra large bar, or something. It makes my mouth water listening to the news:) in the wrong way of course, now i would love a mars bar...
But my point is are the government, the schools, health care, helmets. Are working hard to keep us safe. It sometimes seems we lost the ability to keep ourselves safe.

Another side of the story, is they also encourage fear, we seemingly have to be afraid of what we put in our mouths.

Can we go back (i like to say forward actually) to a society were we actually look after ourselves. And with ourselves i also mean the people that are close to us.
When there is no health care, i have to look after me, and i have to look after the people around me that have fallen ill in some way.

What do you think?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

and when things start flowing

it's seemingly better again.

Maybe i don't have the basics down yet
or maybe i do
When i say things are not easy, i am not talking world's affairs, money, or the environment, not even health care.
When things are not easy it is none of those things
Those i do not fear... as much

There is ice under the water, neither can i skate nor swim

water on the ice

things are not easy right now

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

do you belong?

When i am out in the wilderness, i belong.
When i am in my house i am truly at home.
Where ever i am geographically i am at peace.
My body is my own.

I am saying these are some of the ways i am always at ease.

But not so in other ways.
Recently i got this job, one morning a week fitting perfectly in my schedule, it fell into my lap miraculously. But now after three weeks things appear less smooth.
I realize i am at odds with certain things in life.
Other people, i too often feel i do not belong. I might appear confident and all, yet i feel very insecure, thinking i am an oddball, i don't belong. Only once in a while i meet people i feel kinship with, yet it is no guarantee for lasting friendship.
My own husband, i feel little connection, i can look at him and wonder; who is he? who is this stranger?
I have never had a job, where i felt this is it, this is for me. working on my own works best for me.
(i do feel very at home on the Internet :)
At parties i leave early, because really i might have fun and laugh a lot, happy and all, but hey they're not for me.

What is that?

I know several people that love their jobs. How do they do it? Like yesterday at that new job, there were many good moments, but also several less so. And to be honest, maybe i am to critical of people. I can love them quite easily individually, but like yesterday, a for me, new worker came in, she had been absent for my first two weeks, but was part of the program for a long time. She did not introduce herself to me and i know that is not such a big thing, but i feel that lingers.....

Someone called me a young soul recently. I liked that a lot, maybe i am like a baby. Opposed to most people, who seem to feel at ease in relationships, maybe i am just not there yet. Do you forgive me?

Friday, February 3, 2012

The wind

And the wind is blowing, one could call it storm, the sun is breaking through, the trees are bare of snow, water is dripping from the roof.
Don't you love the weather?
This morning it was raining, the rain it turned too snow, wet and thick and everywhere, one can imagine what the roads are like, i fear ones tires don't have grip when a gale comes through.
The sun is shining, and here i am inside the house, i should be dancing with the wind on the hilltop there.

And that's what love means to me. Wanting to be swept of my feet, but one can't live like that floating in the air, always will i be dropped somewhere, or smacked against a tree.

So hey, maybe nowadays one might wonder, if we can handle it if life somehow can't contain us anymore.

But every single day there're miracles, and not so small.

And i believe in that, that the wind keeps blowing, the rain won't stop, the sun's still shining, and.... "see you i a bit, on that right around the corner, exposed by wind, lovely little hill top.

(photo will follow)